Okay, If I'm being completely honest right now...I feel so nervous about posting this. But I can just feel that once I do, it will be superrr therapeutic for me. So I'm going to go ahead and take this new risk. So if you haven't already guessed from the title of this blog post, I'm going to be writing a letter...not a traditional letter - more like a digital journal entry in which I'm going to be releasing any hidden and unresolved inner conflicts a certain individual has left me feeling lately. I'm going to leave the person unnamed, but nonetheless I certainly won't hold back when I start to write this letter. I'm going to imagine that the person to whom I'm anonymously addressing this to is standing right in front of me for the final time ever. Like a personal goodbye. This will be my final remarks about how their presence in my life truly left me stuck. Lets start shall we:


Why?

Please just tell me why you did this.

All of this. I barely even knew you for that long yet you came into my life, played me and left at your own regard. You left me the most confused I've ever felt about myself in my entire life. At one point you truly even made me feel as if it was ME! That I was the problem, the one who completely tore everything down. And like the naive person I was back then, I found myself fighting to get you to stay! To allow you to feed off the energy and attention I was sacrificing from myself to allow your shattered ego to grow. Let me tell you this, THANK YOU! You helped me see the faults I HAD in my character - I was too forgiving and couldn't speak up for myself. I was terrified that at the time if I went with my gut feeling and completely shut you out of my life I would be labelled as the "self centered chick", who was too full of herself. But that was exactly what I needed to do for myself. And now I wont ever allow  myself to prioritise a broken persons' well-being before my own. I didn't have the strength or knowledge about all of that when we first met - and because of that I allowed myself to give you the upper-hand and keep me in the weaker position. All of this just to keep you around. I won't lie at the time I really felt like I needed you. I thought that I could be your superwoman and come right into the middle of your life crisis and fix it all. Well turns out I'm not your super hero..I'm my own.




What was the reason, why did you even approach me in the first place? To be honest at one stage you really had me reconsidering the standards that I would allow to be tolerated in my life. This was something you had me thinking constantly about - whether you knew that or not. Maybe I should have spoken more, stood up for how I was feeling at time you know? But I can't change the past only learn from it. In some twisted way you actually ended up being the catalyst that was randomly placed into my life at just the right moment to help me learn that I must ALWAYS put myself first.






When I think back about how you actually nearly made me completely re-write what it was I had always told myself my standards were I could legit nearly laugh at myself now. I've never admitted it to you before, but for the most part I was trying to convince myself that you were the right thing for me. I would tell my close friend about how unsure I felt about staying with you, and how guilty I would feel if I left you - even after you had done me completely wrong. I just know that God had put you in my life to teach me a lesson. Once I let time pass by and allowed myself to heal from you - I can safely say that you made me a stronger person. Because of you I WILL NEVER allow myself to settle, I WILL NEVER beg for someone to stay in my life even after they've clearly expressed that they've mentally checked out of the relationship, I WILL NEVER try to heal a person if they themselves don't have the will power to do it on their own.

I'm not the same desperate girl I was just 5 months ago. At the time I thought you had broken me, in the end you built me up to rise higher into my feminine power than I'd previously ever been. I know that you have your own issues that clearly need to be addressed and worked on, but that's just it - they are YOUR issues and I finally have to guts to say that I won't place myself under that pressure of trying to unload them of your back and carry them for myself. 



Yet at the same time, I don't want this post to sound like I'm completely bashing you. You came to me in the most fairy-tale way possible, and the start of our story is one that was truly a blessing. My fault in all of this was not allowing you or myself  to leave when we were both clearly ready to let go. You really were the prince charming I thought I wanted at that time - for a while. And for the most part you were the first guy that had ever treated me with genuine respect. I could never forget that. We don't have any bad blood anymore, although I can't fully say how I would react if I ever did run into you out in public again. I just hope that if I did play any role in your life that I helped you find the areas in your personality that needed to be healed - like you did for me.

We most likely will never see each other ever again though, but thanks for the important life lesson that you thought me. And I also thank God for making us cross paths when we did. While I was recovering from how things had ended with you, I tried so hard to see the purpose of why God wanted me to go through all of that with you. You could never give me the answer that I fought so hard to get out of you. Because all along it was already within me. My higher self knew it the entire time.

The answer was: ME

I needed to work on my faith, self love, my morals, my self discipline, my schoolwork and my career.

I just needed myself.